It’s 2 a.m. and it’s closer to day seven than day six. I am devastated! It’s still negative on the pregnancy tests. The odds are not in my favour. The majority of women have their positives by now.
I thought I was doing pretty well. I had a slight breakdown today but managed to recover. I was even preparing for the next transfer. I saw several support group posts from women who recently had a failed transfer. They were crushed. I checked within myself to see if I was coping. I was ok, and for that I was feeling proud of myself.
Earlier, my mother reminded me that it’s my late uncle’s birthday today. He and I were very close, more like siblings. He was only ten years older than me and he died very suddenly when he was 23. I had another small breakdown about him, but I was aware enough to separate the sadness of my uncle and the sadness of my failed transfer. Right now I’m in the middle of a total melt down. I’m snotting all over the keyboard and just finished dry heaving.
I have a love for nice handbags, the expensive kind. It is a hobby of mine to trawl through websites selecting the bags I like and then searching for the best bargain. I usually get one a year either for my birthday, or Christmas. My birthday is in three weeks, and because we just paid for IVF I can’t get a beloved bag. Really our budget doesn’t allow for anything but bills and food for the next three months. It’s still bare bones from then on, so no bags for me in the foreseeable future.
Anyway, my tipping point was when I found my cat (Nini), had scratched one of my bags. I’m very protective of them, so this has never happened before. I LOST IT! I ‘someone died cried’ for my bag. I asked God,
“WHAT HAVE I DONE?
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”
Infertility has caused me to ask these questions before. Why me? What have I done to deserve this? What can I do for you to help me? I get no answers and I get no comfort. I ask myself how much I can take. Then I wonder how much other IVF women can take. In my dark state I question the statistics. What is the suicide rate is among women undergoing IVF? It must be higher than the rest of the population… Now I realise I’ve gone too far. I get out of my head and calm down a little. I mourn for my bag, I soothe my heart and I carry on.
Catch up on my Progress so far – Progress #6 – 5 Days Past 5 Day Transfer