I came across an online article titled, ‘How IVF Made Me a Better Person.’ The article lists the six ways that IVF has made the author a better person. Not to knock the author, but I can only agree with one reason on her list, number six. If I were writing the article it would be titled, ‘How IVF Made Me a BITTER Person.’
These would be my six reasons why –
Misery loves company – When I fail, I want everyone else to fail. I hate that others find conceiving so easy, when I find it so difficult. I know there’s no infinite number of babies. I know that no one is taking the baby destined for us. Still, like my husband said, “it feels like they are jumping the cue.”
Judgemental – Like most people I harshly judge people who neglect their children, particularly parents addicted to drugs and alcohol. They don’t deserve their children. On the other end of the spectrum, I judge pregnant women for drinking coffee. I judge parents who yell at their children, or give them too much screen time. I judge women who complain about being a mother, or being pregnant. I judge the women who say they had a hard time getting pregnant, when it only took them eight months and no intervention to conceive. I judge women who have abortions. I try not to judge because I’d hate for anyone to judge me. doesn’t stop me though.
Jealousy – I’m riddled with jealousy. Can you believe I’m jealous of women who have more frozen embryos than I do? Though, I’m mostly jealous of pregnant women. I want what they have. I want to feel a baby growing inside me. I want the baby bump, the ultrasound pictures, the pregnancy announcement, the gender reveal, the baby shower, the birth and the baby! My friends aren’t immune to my resentment of pregnant women. I selfishly avoid my pregnant friends and un-follow them on social media. I’m too obsessed with my own pain to share in their joy.
Obsession – I’m completely obsessed with having a baby. Every part of the process consumes my brain. I read into my body cues, symptoms, dates, tests and results. It’s hard to focus on anything, or want for anything else. I’m also forced to obsess about our finances and how we will afford more treatments.
Depression – This struggle is depressing. I carry a heaviness in my chest that’s similar to the grief and mourning felt when a loved one dies. It feels like I’ll never be truly happy until we get our baby. Infertility blisters your heart. Every nuisance and every set back stings more than it should. I’m overly emotional and sensitive. The slightest thing can trigger a huge reaction. I also deal with a great amount of stress. Often I wake with a throbbing headache because I’ve been stressing and grinding my teeth at night.
Losing faith – I’m not overly religious and I follow no particular faith. Yet, I do have faith and believe in a greater power called God. When science fails to answer your questions you might lean on something greater, be it the Universe, God, or Spirits. Throughout this journey I have questioned everything. Am I not meant to have children? Am I a bad person? Am I being punished? Should I be more religious? I suspected God ran transactional relationships. I couldn’t find another reason why this was happening to us. My beliefs aren’t official constructs, but they were still shaken.
I have also lost faith in family. In times of crisis people do show their true colours. Being so hurt and disappointed has ignited a cynicism, that wasn’t there before.
I don’t think I’m a better person for going through IVF. I am more bitter and negative than ever and I don’t know if that will ever go away.